Friday, March 21, 2008

The Guy Code of Conduct: Part 1

Men are complicated beings. So complicated in fact, that it's entirely possible that we are a completely different species than women, evolved from alien beings who once colonized the planet. I'm pretty sure that those aliens came here in search of women. We are such complicated beings that we've established an extensive set of rules by which to lead our lives. This set of rules is titled The Guy Code of Conduct. The Code was first begun in prehistoric times where it was actually found carved into two stone tablets that were discovered in a cave in France. I believe that the author of the rules was some guy named Adam. Since that time The Code has been disseminated throughout the world, formalized and revised as our species has evolved. The Code continues to evolve to this day even if men have not.
Men have developed a complex series of activities, referred to in most cultures as sporting events, as a way to have meetings regarding The Code without arousing the suspicion of the female species. In fact Monday Night Football was invented just as an excuse for our meetings during which we revise, discuss and otherwise find ways to skirt our own rules. The Super Bowl is just a cover for our big annual conference. Remember the whole feeding Christians to the lions get togethers at the Coliseum in ancient Rome? Just a big Guy Meeting. Amish barn raisings? Same thing. If Amish guys are like regular guys, I'm betting they're out behind the barn smoking pipes and saying things like, "Ezekiel, I hear thee raised your barn with a trollop from the big city. Dude, that is ballsy with a capital B. Way to go! Up high! (high fives all around)
None of these rules have ever been revealed publicly. What I am about to do here may get me kicked out of the club. One of the rules is that we are never to explain the rules to women. There is one caveat to that rule. There is one rule that supersedes every other rule in The Guy Code of Conduct:

Rule 1. "You can break any rule in The Code or in any country in the world, if you are trying to score with a chick." Yes, it actually says "chick" in our book. Don't blame me, I didn't write it. Now I'm skirting the rules here because of course I’m too sensitive and intellectual to ever use my writing to hit on women. I would never corrupt my art in that way. Men the world over respect each other's need to sometimes break the laws of their country in order to pursue a women whom we desire. Why do you think Clarence Thomas was elected to the Supreme Court despite the allegations of sexual harassment at a former job? In our meeting we did severely reprimand him for the harassment and he was given lessons on how to talk to women respectfully. We didn't want him to go around embarrassing us like that. Bill Clinton got away with the whole Monica Lewinsky thing didn't he? Granted, there's no accounting for taste. No doubt I could go on and on listing crimes that men have allowed other men to get away with simply because the end goal was pursuing a woman.

Rule 2."Never explain the rules to women. If they understood us they might enslave us. Until they explain their rules to us, we're not explaining ourselves to them. For exceptions to rule number 2, see rule number 1."

This is the first in a series of articles revealing The Code. I am revealing these at great personal risk in hopes of fostering greater understanding and improving the lines of communication between men and women. And if that helps a few guys get laid, then so be it.


Casdok said...

Definetly from another planet. Complicated, not to sure about that one!
And cant wait to hear more of your code of conduct!
As for enslaving you? You may enjoy it!

Phil said...

Casdok, you I might let enslave me!

Casdok said...


JRM said...

LOL!! I'm waiting breathlessly for the next installment! Well, ok, that was an exaggeration, but I'm looking forward to it! :) Enslavement... hmmmm, intriguing!! ;>

nitebyrd said...

I'm not sure I agree with the men being complicated theory. From another planet? Absolutely.

That "enslaving" deal is something I'm starting to warm up to. Don't want a good flogger to go to waste.

Can't wait for the next installment, Phil.

Chris said...

LOL. Too funny and fascinating. I love it!

A. Secret said...

Guys use their writing to hit on women? The audacity!

Anonymous said...

We don't need the rules explained to us, believe me.

And there is nothing wrong with the word chick. It's all in the tone.