Monday, February 11, 2008

The Present Tense

How we communicate, what's important to us, and the inequities of societal grooming expectations are all ways men and women differ. Another great divide between the sexes is our views on presents. Anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine's Day, and Christmas all can make or break a relationship from a woman's perspective. Before everyone paints me as a misogynist for that last statement, let's look at two examples:

Example 1:
Guy: “Happy Anniversary honey! Here's a card, a dozen roses, and I've taken out a second mortgage so I can fly you to Paris for a candlelight dinner on top of the Eiffel Tower!”
Woman: “You are so sweet! With all my work this week I didn't have time to get you a present. I'm sorry. How about if I make it up to you (wink, wink) back at the hotel after dinner?” (sly smile)
Guy: “YAHTZEE!” (fist pump)

Example 2:
“Happy Anniversary honey! Here's a card and a present!”
Guy: “An Ipod! Thanks baby, this is great! With all my work this week I didn't have time to get you a present. I'm sorry. How about if I make it up to you (wink, wink) in the bedroom tonight?” (sly smile)
Woman: “You forgot! How could you be so thoughtless?!!? You can sleep on the couch tonight! (storms out, door slams)

Sometimes even the presents themselves can mean different things to men and women. Here are some examples of presents men might give, how we mean them, and what they mean to women.

1. A romantic card with breakfast in bed, flowers sent to your work, and a nice dinner out.
What men are trying to say: "Will you sleep with me?"
What women think: "He's a sweet, thoughtful guy."

2. A safety kit for your car with road flares, tools, and a shovel.
What men are trying to say: "I love you and I want you to be safe."
What women think: "What a thoughtless, un-romantic oaf."

3. Lingerie
What men are trying to say: "I think you are a beautiful, sexy woman."
What women think: "That selfish bastard is thinking with his little head instead of his big head."

4. Any kind of home appliance
What men are trying to say: "I've noticed how hard you work. I want to make your life easier."
What women think: "If this isn't grounds for justifiable homicide, I don't know what is!"


JRM said...

LOLOLOL!!!! Ouch, some of those hit home! But your lingerie gift needs the added ending "and will you sleep with me?" Be honest!

Phil said...

JRM-Well I thought that goes without saying.

A. Secret said...

Well I kind of agree with sll of your scenarios excpet #1...I'd be the one with the pumping fist!

A. Secret said...

Now if only I could spell...that would be I agree with ALL of your scenarios EXCEPT. I need a drink. Is it too early for a drink? ;-)

nitebyrd said...

I have been know to maim the giver of any kitchen appliance and/or tool.

Now, Phil - be honest, any gift from a man should end with "... and will you sleep with me?" LOL

Anonymous said...

I am not much for cliches. All of those are wrong when it comes to me. They are still funny, though.

having my cake said...

... especially RED lingerie!!!!

Blazngfyre said...

I'm not normal ....
i'd much prefer an appliance and/or car kit over lingerie any day of the week!
Those gifts speak VOLUMES about the man who gave them!
Lingerie only says, "I wanna fuck you". Shallow.

Also, I have never expected a gift from the man in my life, for ANY reason.

I must have missed that particular gene in utero. LOL

bittersweet me said...


i had a tea towel for christmas ... i still haven't forgiven him